a life of wonder
I’m happy you know. I really am.
A couple of people were concerned I was sad, and I guess that’s a reasonable conclusion, as I have stated that I suffer from depression/anxiety.
Thing is..it’s not your typical depression. It’s called ‘atypical depression’.
Sure, it’s still all about fucked up brain chemicals but it’s not a ‘mood disorder’ for me. (google atypical depression if you are interested). The doctor knew I was ‘depressed’ but if you assessed me for your typical depression, I really didn’t tick many of the boxes. My life is still one of laughter and wonder. I’m rarely in a down mood…and I mean RARELY. I get excited…a LOT. I find the funny in everything. My work days are just one laugh after another. I still have dreams and hopes and aspirations. It’s my body (controlled by my brain chemicals) that keep messin’ with me.
My body is depressed. I’m slow….I eat…a LOT (as opposed to other types of depression where you can actually lose your appetite). My arms and legs feel like lead (leaden paralysis). THIS is a fucking pain in the arse!
I’ve had it for a few years but the leaden paralysis didn’t start up until last year when I split with my blogger boyfriend (about 18 months ag0). It comes and goes now but it makes regular exercise a bit difficult. I haven’t lost strength, it just feels like my limbs are disconnected from my body. It’s a mind fuck people!!!
The break-up – that was really the last time I cried out of sadness (and there’s still a scar in my heart that can crack open at the slightest knock…gotta work on that one! - and I’ve had the occasional cry about him over that time) but apart from THAT – I’m content….positive…happy, and am still utterly convinced that the best is still to come!